Friday, April 1, 2016

I'm officially endorsing one of the presidential candidates!

Official senate portrait. 

I am officially endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. Nobody else deserves it. Not only is Hillary Clinton the most experienced person in this race by far, she is also the best choice for America! Just look at all her successes! In her dazzling role as first lady, she stood by her amazing husband, Bill Clinton, histories greatest leader! She never stood in the way when her husband helped dozens of women throughout his career. She shares in the glory and the honor of our countries most amazing presidency ever!

Hillary also had a great time as senator. Even though she wasn't originally from New York, and never really lived there, she served her state well! As a matter of fact, she was one of the bravest senators ever! When the time came to vote for the Iraq War, Hillary was in front of the line! So brave! She worked with both Democrats and Republicans to overthrow the brutal dictator, Saddam Hussein, and the Middle East has never been safer! Indeed, our friends in Iraq, love Hillary Clinton, and would vote for her if they could!

As Secretary of State, Mrs. Clinton oversaw the liberation of Libya from brutal dictator Momar Qaddafi, a very mean person indeed! Using very little force, Hillary Clinton kicked out Qaddafi and turned him over to the Libyans, who gave him a fair trial and good treatment. After that, nothing happened in Libya, thanks to our great leader Hillary Clinton. The city of Benghazi is now an awesome tourist spot where ambassadors meet unmolested! What a great president she would be!

Of course we can't forget Hillary Clinton's unwavering support for gun control. She has NEVER flip flopped on this issue and has always said that the 2nd amendment isn't worth the paper it is printed on! She hates baby killing assault rifles that have no place in America. Even handguns and shotguns are too dangerous! I am so glad we have someone like Hillary Clinton to tell us what we should own! Americans are just too dumb to own such murder weapons!

And look how healthy Hillary looks! She is almost 70 but she looks like she could run a marathon while holding a 50 lbs bag of sand! Indeed, the only person that looks more healthy then Hillary Clinton is her husband Bill, who certainly will live for at least 30 more years! I bet she could run up 30 flights of stairs, beat up a dozen ninjas and then do a cartwheel off the roof without even getting winded!

On foreign policy, Hillary is the bees knees! She will show Vladimir Putin who is boss. Everyone knows that the Russian bear will cower when he has to face this granny! Plus there are whole lot of dictators left that we haven't overthrown! Bashar al-Assad is quaking in his boots when he thinks of Hillary Clinton! Indeed, there isn't a dictator in the world who will challenge us with such a strong independent woman in the White House!

What about ISIS? Well, Hillary has a plan for them too! She's going to love them so much that they will lay down their arms and stop chopping peoples heads off! All it will take is just a little tolerance! In the end, our ISIS friends will come to respect all of us and will join us hand in hand in a giant circle of love and friendship while rainbows fill the sky!

But not everyone is tolerant. Indeed, Hillary Clinton is the target of a vast right wing conspiracy against her entire family! Even Chelsea! These vile racists and bigots hate Hillary and spread lies about her, including that she did something with e-mails. Or that Bill might have mistreated a woman once! Such horror!

This cabal of evil doers is lead by the most right wing man of all time, Bernie "Black Lives Splatter" Sanders! Far to the right of Adolf Hitler, Sanders has besmirched the name of all women everywhere because he hates Hillary Clinton. Indeed, even uber-misogynist and racist Donald "make women pay or get out of the way" Trump's attacks pale in comparison to the evil that Bernie Sanders (real name: Baron von babypuncher Hitler the 3rd) has sent Hillary Clinton's way! He hates Clinton so much, he even interrupted her at one of his debates! And his evil bigoted supporters have said mean things on the internet! Unbelievable!

Why do these people hate Hillary Clinton? Because they know that she sticks up for women! And they HATE women! They are all terrible, terrible racist, bigoted misogynist jerks! Why else wouldn't they want her to be president? After all, Granny knows best! They are all just hateful bigots and when Clinton is our next president, they will find out what it means to have the most perfect president ever!

Clearly, there is only one choice for president and that choice is Hillary Clinton. I hope then when the time comes to vote, you will join me and vote for the only choice America deserves to have. Of course if you choose not to vote for Hillary Clinton, you are just a terrible racist, sexist, bigoted monstrosity, and you really shouldn't be allowed to vote! Or live! That's what I truly believe and that's why I am endorsing Hillary Clinton for president!

...this may be the most sarcastic thing I have ever written. 

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